Leaning In

So the other day I threw away several old journals of mine.  I started to read through them a little and thought, “maybe I should keep these …”  But then I looked at the dates.  Six years ago.  Ten years ago.  A few even older.  I haven’t looked at them since they were filled out and I started feeling like I “should” look at them more often.  Feeling guilty, maybe?  Like I was throwing away God’s promises or answers to me.  Like I “should’ add them back in to my quiet times, or something.  But then, I threw them away anyway.  And I felt an unburdening, a release in my soul.

God doesn’t need me to hang onto these tangible items in order to remember His promises or His answers to my prayers.  Those promises and answers are what make me the person I am today.  And, God is teaching me different lessons these days.  If He brought me through the storms ten years ago, why don’t I have faith that He’s going to bring me through the new storms brewing in my life?  And if He wants to use my past and His past faithfulness to me in bringing me through these new storms, I don’t see why He can’t do that even if I throw away old journals!

I’m moving through a phase in my life where I’m trying to simplify.  I’ve begun to feel weighted down by all the things we are holding onto in this house.  I’m mildly obsessed these days with looking at images on Pinterest of cozy, comfortable, inspiring homes.  The ones I’m drawn to have these windows that let the light pour in.  And luminous spaces — paint color on the wall that helps the sunlight bounce off every wall.

The spaces are intentional.  Yet peaceful.  And comfortable.

These spaces almost look effortless, but in poking around the women’s blogs I’ve discovered they are not.  Part of what these women do is let go of things when the things don’t work.  Edit.  And so, I’ve slowly begun to edit the things in my house.

It feels really good to me.  And I kinda feel like this yearning for an intentional, peaceful, light-filled space to rest (home) is God’s doing.  I’ve begun to pray that He might not only make my house like this, to bless my husband and children — but also that He might make ME like this.

So those blogs of women I like from Pinterest?  They emphasize fellowship and hospitality.  Nourishment.

It’s weird because that’s not really me.  And it’s weird because I keep coming up against circumstances in my life that are struggles I had (and thought I left behind) a long long time ago.  And I feel an accuser telling me lies that made me feel bad a long long time ago.  And I begin to believe those lies.  That I am the same as I was, I haven’t learned anything, and such and such is my fate.  Old hurts this accuser is trying to reawaken.

But that’s not true.

I also feel God just whispering, “lean into Me.”

I sense Him saying, “come to me, you who are hungry.  Find nourishment.”

“Fellowship with me.”

And, I desire, even with my old insecurities rearing their ugly heads, His desire that give those around me that I brush up against, the opportunity to lean into Him, fellowship with Him, nourish their souls on Him through me.  My inadequate words.  My flawed way about me.  My own shortcomings and sins.  To glorify Him.

I’m trying to lean in.  I’m trying to still my soul.

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