It was my intention to roll out the Bible study in 9 weeks.  I need a week to pause and reflect on self-control.  Well, I’ll need a lifetime to reflect on all of this — but a week to formulate this summer’s week spent on self-control.

Wait with me?

And, pray for me.

Thank you friends.

So the other day I threw away several old journals of mine.  I started to read through them a little and thought, “maybe I should keep these …”  But then I looked at the dates.  Six years ago.  Ten years ago.  A few even older.  I haven’t looked at them since they were filled out and I started feeling like I “should” look at them more often.  Feeling guilty, maybe?  Like I was throwing away God’s promises or answers to me.  Like I “should’ add them back in to my quiet times, or something.  But then, I threw them away anyway.  And I felt an unburdening, a release in my soul.

God doesn’t need me to hang onto these tangible items in order to remember His promises or His answers to my prayers.  Those promises and answers are what make me the person I am today.  And, God is teaching me different lessons these days.  If He brought me through the storms ten years ago, why don’t I have faith that He’s going to bring me through the new storms brewing in my life?  And if He wants to use my past and His past faithfulness to me in bringing me through these new storms, I don’t see why He can’t do that even if I throw away old journals!

I’m moving through a phase in my life where I’m trying to simplify.  I’ve begun to feel weighted down by all the things we are holding onto in this house.  I’m mildly obsessed these days with looking at images on Pinterest of cozy, comfortable, inspiring homes.  The ones I’m drawn to have these windows that let the light pour in.  And luminous spaces — paint color on the wall that helps the sunlight bounce off every wall.

The spaces are intentional.  Yet peaceful.  And comfortable.

These spaces almost look effortless, but in poking around the women’s blogs I’ve discovered they are not.  Part of what these women do is let go of things when the things don’t work.  Edit.  And so, I’ve slowly begun to edit the things in my house.

It feels really good to me.  And I kinda feel like this yearning for an intentional, peaceful, light-filled space to rest (home) is God’s doing.  I’ve begun to pray that He might not only make my house like this, to bless my husband and children — but also that He might make ME like this.

So those blogs of women I like from Pinterest?  They emphasize fellowship and hospitality.  Nourishment.

It’s weird because that’s not really me.  And it’s weird because I keep coming up against circumstances in my life that are struggles I had (and thought I left behind) a long long time ago.  And I feel an accuser telling me lies that made me feel bad a long long time ago.  And I begin to believe those lies.  That I am the same as I was, I haven’t learned anything, and such and such is my fate.  Old hurts this accuser is trying to reawaken.

But that’s not true.

I also feel God just whispering, “lean into Me.”

I sense Him saying, “come to me, you who are hungry.  Find nourishment.”

“Fellowship with me.”

And, I desire, even with my old insecurities rearing their ugly heads, His desire that give those around me that I brush up against, the opportunity to lean into Him, fellowship with Him, nourish their souls on Him through me.  My inadequate words.  My flawed way about me.  My own shortcomings and sins.  To glorify Him.

I’m trying to lean in.  I’m trying to still my soul.

If a man or woman is called of God, it doesn’t matter how difficult the circumstances may be.  God orchestrates every force at work for His purpose in the end.  If you will agree with God’s purpose, he will bring not only on a conscious level, but also all the deeper levels of your life, which you yourself cannot reach, into perfect harmony.  — His Utmost, September 29

Just thought I’d share, because, I think, sometimes, we all need to be reminded that difficult circumstances are orchestrated by God and if we submit to Him in the midst of them, He will use such things to bring our deeper selves into harmony.

At least, I needed this reminder today.

The kids recently checked out a book from the library that is a retelling of one of Aesop’s fables, The Wind and the Sun.  Basically, the wind and the sun entered into a competition to see who could remove a man’s coat from him.  The wind blew, cold and hard, but the colder and harder it blew, the tighter the man wrapped his coat around himself.

The sun, when the wind had given up, shone upon the man.  First warmly, then brighter and hotter.  The man finally stopped walking, rested beneath a tree and took his coat off, using it as a pillow for his head as he took a nap.

I’d never heard this fable before.  It’s interesting to me.  Being a mother of young children, I’ve done a lot of thinking about obedience and authority.  Being a lawyer, I’ve done some thinking about obedience and authority.  Being a wife, I’ve done some thinking about obedience and authority.  But, particularly since Jubilee turned two, I’ve done a lot of thinking about obedience and authority. 

It’s not really anything I’d ever spent time thinking about.  See, I live in America, a place where we celebrate “Independence” Day.  I live in Montana, a place where independence grows deep and vibrant, thriving in the big woods of the Big Sky state.  I’m also a pretty independent person, someone who refuses to identify with a particular political party (both are wrong!); attends a “non-denominational” church (every denomination creed I’ve read, I’ve found things to disagree with); and chose to have a profession, in part, so that if anything ever became of my husband, I could financially support myself and our children.

Independence was something I thought about a lot growing up.  Spend a lot of energy becoming independent.  Pretty much formed my identity around it.  So the concept of authority, submission and obedience haven’t factored into my life except as negative things to, frankly, be avoided unless I agree with the authority. 

I’m revisiting this brash judgment of authority and obedience now that I’ve begun this journey as a mother.  I’m realizing that I got a lot of things wrong about it.  I’m wondering what kind of an authority figure I can be for my children – both intentionally and “what’s caught.”

And, I’m catching myself about how disobedient I am.  This morning, Noah got up at 5:00 a.m. again.  I cursed in my head, tried to get him back to sleep and grudgingly got up with the little monkey.  See 5:00 was his wake up time for a while, and we got a break for a couple weeks.

Sleeping “in” until just after 6:00 was bliss.  He even slept until almost 7:00 a couple times last week.  And, one of those times, I woke up at 6:00.  I felt fairly refreshed, and felt a still, small voice prompt me to get up.  It would have been a good time to read my Bible and visit with God.  But did I roll out of bed?

That whole rebellious disobedience reared its head.  I told myself I “deserved” to catch up on some sleep; I’d say my prayers on my pillow (right).  And had a bad attitude about the whole idea that I should have kicked myself in the butt and just got up.

How naughty.

I know that God doesn’t desire sacrifice and offerings but a heart that truly seeks him.  I want to tell myself that obedience in these little things is sacrifice and offering; but I think that’s just my excuse. I’m beginning to think that maybe these little disobediences are a reflection of the fact that my view of God is pretty small, my independence is pretty big and we gotta whole lotta work to do on faith.

the Utmost today talked about obedience.  “Our Lord never insists on having authority over us.  He never says, “You will submit to me.” He leaves us perfectly free to choose–so free, n fact, that we can spit in His face or we can put Him to death … But once His life has been created in me through His redemption, I instantly recognize His right to absolute authority over me.  It is a complete and effective domination, in which I acknowledge that “You are worthy, O Lord …  The level of my growth in grace is revealed by the way I look at obedience.  We should have a much higher view of the word obedience …”

So, yea, that study about the attributes of God might be in order here.  And a little butt-kicking.

What are you thinking about and pondering in your season of life?  Any studies you feel like you need to do?

This was my devotional Psalm tonight:

Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.  Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.  For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods.  In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him.  The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.


Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.


Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did at Massah in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me, though they had seen what I did.  For forty years I was angry with that generation; I said, ‘they are a people whose hearts go astray, and they have not known my ways.’  So I declared on oath, in my anger, ‘They shall never enter my rest.'”

All right. I need to get my act together, but since I’m doubtful that’s ever going to happen in a tangible way, I’m going to explain: I’ve written letters to the kids on their birthdays. I saved them on this blog meaning to do something with them, but haven’t. I need to, and I want them to be somewhere Jubilee and Noah can get ahold of them in case something ever happens to me. So, instead of continuing to save them where only I really know my password, I’ll publish them on the internet – where, admittedly, this blog is kindof a journal that only I read.

So, that’s what these next posts are, my letters to the kids on their birthdays.

This way, there will be at least two posts guaranteed every year here :).