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Work in Progress

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Quiet morning, busy week.

Feeling the pressure mounting and experiencing every of minor thing gone wrong as particularly annoying.

Dishwasher? Still broken. Printer? Offline. Kids? Bickering.

Anybody else facing challenges these next few days?

The mix of challenges is as different as we are. Personally, I found myself rushing home hungry to a house of tired kids, thinking of the work I didn’t *quite* get to finish, vaguely anxious about the logistics of traveling by plane Wednesday (should I try to carry on all my luggage? will all those 3 ring binders fit? do I have travel-size shampoo?).

I caught myself yelling, “STOP YELLING!” at the kids the other night. Shockingly, it did not stop the yelling and about the second time, I yelled my directive, I realized that my modeling on the issue was leaving something to be desired.

We all desperately need a reset at times, don’t we?

When we find ourselves yelling or avoiding or ignoring or whatever our particular “tell” is, let’s take a deep breath. Right when we realize it.

Then, let’s remind ourselves: when our time, energy, patience and smarts just aren’t enough, it is there Jesus shines through all the more. Friend, we still have to show up, we still might have to bite our tongue, or talk when we would rather pretend we weren’t actually present…Yes, yes. But the first step of faith, friend, is stopping in our tracks right then to listen to Him speak over us, “my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (1 Cor. 12:8).

The power of the “the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. [Who] is before all things and in [Whom] all things hold together.” (Col. 1:15, 17) gives us His power in our weakness so His glory is shown.

That’s the next step of faith: showing up, with this belief in hand, giving it our best, and surrendering to Him the results.

Easier said than done, I know. So let’s breath Him in deep and encourage each other — His power is perfected in our weaknesses and He is more than enough.

Vocabulary and Communication

.Reading time 7 minutes.

There are two seasons in Montana: winter and road construction. It’s not winter anymore, which means it’s currently road construction season.

This year, one of the main thoroughfares right in our little residential neighborhood has been under construction for several weeks.

It’s fine, except that my habit of taking this road is so strong that I am always headed that direction before I remember it’s closed. Last week, one of the kids was in the car with me as we set off:

“Hey, mom, the road by the waterpark is closed, remember?”

“Oh, right,” I slow to turn around.

“But, we when went to the waterpark Tuesday, Sarah’s mom went this way. You can turn by the turkey trail and drive by the houses.”

“Huh?” My family calls a little walking/bike path in town “the turkey trail.” The “turkey trail” begins at a road, but then meanders through a bit of a wooded area, next to a gully where there is no driveable road. Also, our entire neighborhood is residential, meaning: all there is is houses.

“Which way did you go?”

“Drive by.the.houses. Don’t turn around! We can go if we drive by. The. Houses. The HOUSES, mom!”

“Look, around you! There are houses everywhere!”

“THE HOUSES, MOM!”

I ignored the child and we took the detour road I knew would surely get us around the road construction. My child was unhappy that I did not act upon their suggested directions, but I couldn’t. I literally did not know which street they were talking about.

Too often, communication is like this. We know what we mean, but we don’t have the right vocabulary to actually convey that meaning to the person across from us. Worse yet, even when we know what we mean and do our best to convey it with the vocabulary we have, the words get twisted in the air and lodge themselves sideways in the recipient’s heart.

Sometimes, while we think we know what we mean, we actually don’t.

I was reading the account of Adam and Eve the other day for Bible study. Genesis 3 says, “The man and his wife were naked and they felt no shame.” This is literal, I believe. But I’ve begun to realize that it is deeper than literal.

Adam and Eve were fully known by God.

They were also fully known by each other. I am not just talking physically. I am talking, their deepest desires, dreams and beings were plainly visible to each other and their core self was fully accepted by one another.

What must it have been like, to never experience the frustration of miscommunication? To never use a series of words and immediately know that the person has not actually received what you meant? To be able to truly understand and be understood without work, without something going awry?

After they ate the fruit, they felt fear, shame and hurt. They literally ran and hid from God. They also hid from each other, covering themselves. Then they lied and blamed one another.

We all do that now, don’t we? Our human condition makes it inevitable that we experience a variety of pains. Both physical and deeper, emotional and spiritual pains. We spend a good portion of our lives creating ways to cover up our deepest desires to protect ourselves from these hurts, navigating who we can trust with what parts of ourselves (if we are courageous enough to keep trying), telling ourselves and others falsehoods and blaming others for things we ourselves have contributed to.

God’s heart was filled with pain in the Garden. One of the crowning achievements of His loving, brilliant, good and beautiful creative work had chosen to sever their intimate relationship with Him. We turned to walk down a dark path filled with confusion, violence and hurt. He could see it all, the terrible things, the innocence injured, the way even something simple like driving to the store will highlight our inability to really communicate with each other. He saw it all, and what was His response?

Knowing the fiery judgments of God recorded later in the Bible, I expect His immediate response to be: “do you have any idea what you have done!?! Do you know what this means?!?” I respond this way, when I am hurt and the consequences for someone’s foolish decision is permanent and awful. I expect the curses and consequences to be Jesus’ immediate reaction.

But Jesus — who knows all things — walked through the Garden in the pleasant cool of the day, knowing what it all meant, and called out, “Adam, where are you?”

He still calls out. He walks through this unpleasant and sad world and calls to each one of us, “where are you?”

The lyrics of a Steffany Gretzinger song capture this poignantly:

Come out of hiding, you’re safe here with me;

There’s no need to cover what I already see;

No need frightened by intimacy;

Just throw off your fear and come running to me.

We don’t have the perfect vocabulary to respond to Jesus. We don’t know ourselves well enough to come fully out of hiding. God must teach us — through His word, the Bible and in community with other Christians — but as we take our tentative steps, He moves closer. Jesus does not misunderstand us, even when we do not have the perfect words to tell Him where we think we should go around the detour.

Let’s come out of hiding, friend. We are safe here with Him.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psalm 139:23-24).

Lessons from a Broken Dishwasher

.Reading time 2 minutes.

Monday night, we finally admitted that the dishwasher is broken. Over the last several months, we’d been noticing our bowls weren’t *quite* clean when the kids went to unload them. We made adjustments in our loading and rinsing, but there was no corresponding positive adjustment in the cleanliness of our dishes.

I — in typical pragmatic laziness — decided that although there were teeny flecks of food on the bowls after washing, the heat cycle of the dishwasher surely sanitized everything adequately. So, we persisted in use. Over the weeks, the bowls became flecked with larger food particles. The garbage disposal quit working. We could stand it no longer.

We pulled up a YouTube video and began poking around the disposal. And then the dishwasher. We came to realize that we needed a professional. I called the professional, and they will arrive to *hopefully* repair the dishwasher on Tuesday. So we have been washing all our plates, bowls, cups and utensils by hand since Monday.

It’s not life-changing. It’s a first-world problem. It’s annoying and frustrating all the same. And, it’s been a good reminder. For some reason, in the age of technology, we think that we can find the answers ourselves. No need for experts. No need for professionals. At times, we believe that we are omniscient. If we are savvy enough with our internet research, we can know all things.

We also seem to think that we are omnipotent. Since we can know all things, we should have the power to fix all things. Our marriages. Our kids. Our parents.

Except, my broken dishwasher. And my broken disposal.

Part of faith, I’m learning, is admitting that, although I could probably know more, I am not held to the omnipotent standard. Part of faith, too, is trusting that I can’t do it all. Although the information is out there and we could probably fix this or that, God does not expect us to be omniscient or omnipotent. He’ll do that part, and take all the broken things and make them beautiful in His time.

Go ahead, call the Professional. Wait for Him to arrive, and trust His expertise.

Waiting

.Reading time less than 1 minute.

It was my intention to roll out the Bible study in 9 weeks.  I need a week to pause and reflect on self-control.  Well, I’ll need a lifetime to reflect on all of this — but a week to formulate this summer’s week spent on self-control.

Wait with me?

And, pray for me.

Thank you friends.

Leaning In

.Reading time 5 minutes.

So the other day I threw away several old journals of mine.  I started to read through them a little and thought, “maybe I should keep these …”  But then I looked at the dates.  Six years ago.  Ten years ago.  A few even older.  I haven’t looked at them since they were filled out and I started feeling like I “should” look at them more often.  Feeling guilty, maybe?  Like I was throwing away God’s promises or answers to me.  Like I “should’ add them back in to my quiet times, or something.  But then, I threw them away anyway.  And I felt an unburdening, a release in my soul.

God doesn’t need me to hang onto these tangible items in order to remember His promises or His answers to my prayers.  Those promises and answers are what make me the person I am today.  And, God is teaching me different lessons these days.  If He brought me through the storms ten years ago, why don’t I have faith that He’s going to bring me through the new storms brewing in my life?  And if He wants to use my past and His past faithfulness to me in bringing me through these new storms, I don’t see why He can’t do that even if I throw away old journals!

I’m moving through a phase in my life where I’m trying to simplify.  I’ve begun to feel weighted down by all the things we are holding onto in this house.  I’m mildly obsessed these days with looking at images on Pinterest of cozy, comfortable, inspiring homes.  The ones I’m drawn to have these windows that let the light pour in.  And luminous spaces — paint color on the wall that helps the sunlight bounce off every wall.

The spaces are intentional.  Yet peaceful.  And comfortable.

These spaces almost look effortless, but in poking around the women’s blogs I’ve discovered they are not.  Part of what these women do is let go of things when the things don’t work.  Edit.  And so, I’ve slowly begun to edit the things in my house.

It feels really good to me.  And I kinda feel like this yearning for an intentional, peaceful, light-filled space to rest (home) is God’s doing.  I’ve begun to pray that He might not only make my house like this, to bless my husband and children — but also that He might make ME like this.

So those blogs of women I like from Pinterest?  They emphasize fellowship and hospitality.  Nourishment.

It’s weird because that’s not really me.  And it’s weird because I keep coming up against circumstances in my life that are struggles I had (and thought I left behind) a long long time ago.  And I feel an accuser telling me lies that made me feel bad a long long time ago.  And I begin to believe those lies.  That I am the same as I was, I haven’t learned anything, and such and such is my fate.  Old hurts this accuser is trying to reawaken.

But that’s not true.

I also feel God just whispering, “lean into Me.”

I sense Him saying, “come to me, you who are hungry.  Find nourishment.”

“Fellowship with me.”

And, I desire, even with my old insecurities rearing their ugly heads, His desire that give those around me that I brush up against, the opportunity to lean into Him, fellowship with Him, nourish their souls on Him through me.  My inadequate words.  My flawed way about me.  My own shortcomings and sins.  To glorify Him.

I’m trying to lean in.  I’m trying to still my soul.

Oswald

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If a man or woman is called of God, it doesn’t matter how difficult the circumstances may be.  God orchestrates every force at work for His purpose in the end.  If you will agree with God’s purpose, he will bring not only on a conscious level, but also all the deeper levels of your life, which you yourself cannot reach, into perfect harmony.  — His Utmost, September 29

Just thought I’d share, because, I think, sometimes, we all need to be reminded that difficult circumstances are orchestrated by God and if we submit to Him in the midst of them, He will use such things to bring our deeper selves into harmony.

At least, I needed this reminder today.

Obedience

.Reading time 6 minutes.

The kids recently checked out a book from the library that is a retelling of one of Aesop’s fables, The Wind and the Sun.  Basically, the wind and the sun entered into a competition to see who could remove a man’s coat from him.  The wind blew, cold and hard, but the colder and harder it blew, the tighter the man wrapped his coat around himself.

The sun, when the wind had given up, shone upon the man.  First warmly, then brighter and hotter.  The man finally stopped walking, rested beneath a tree and took his coat off, using it as a pillow for his head as he took a nap.

I’d never heard this fable before.  It’s interesting to me.  Being a mother of young children, I’ve done a lot of thinking about obedience and authority.  Being a lawyer, I’ve done some thinking about obedience and authority.  Being a wife, I’ve done some thinking about obedience and authority.  But, particularly since Jubilee turned two, I’ve done a lot of thinking about obedience and authority. 

It’s not really anything I’d ever spent time thinking about.  See, I live in America, a place where we celebrate “Independence” Day.  I live in Montana, a place where independence grows deep and vibrant, thriving in the big woods of the Big Sky state.  I’m also a pretty independent person, someone who refuses to identify with a particular political party (both are wrong!); attends a “non-denominational” church (every denomination creed I’ve read, I’ve found things to disagree with); and chose to have a profession, in part, so that if anything ever became of my husband, I could financially support myself and our children.

Independence was something I thought about a lot growing up.  Spend a lot of energy becoming independent.  Pretty much formed my identity around it.  So the concept of authority, submission and obedience haven’t factored into my life except as negative things to, frankly, be avoided unless I agree with the authority. 

I’m revisiting this brash judgment of authority and obedience now that I’ve begun this journey as a mother.  I’m realizing that I got a lot of things wrong about it.  I’m wondering what kind of an authority figure I can be for my children – both intentionally and “what’s caught.”

And, I’m catching myself about how disobedient I am.  This morning, Noah got up at 5:00 a.m. again.  I cursed in my head, tried to get him back to sleep and grudgingly got up with the little monkey.  See 5:00 was his wake up time for a while, and we got a break for a couple weeks.

Sleeping “in” until just after 6:00 was bliss.  He even slept until almost 7:00 a couple times last week.  And, one of those times, I woke up at 6:00.  I felt fairly refreshed, and felt a still, small voice prompt me to get up.  It would have been a good time to read my Bible and visit with God.  But did I roll out of bed?

That whole rebellious disobedience reared its head.  I told myself I “deserved” to catch up on some sleep; I’d say my prayers on my pillow (right).  And had a bad attitude about the whole idea that I should have kicked myself in the butt and just got up.

How naughty.

I know that God doesn’t desire sacrifice and offerings but a heart that truly seeks him.  I want to tell myself that obedience in these little things is sacrifice and offering; but I think that’s just my excuse. I’m beginning to think that maybe these little disobediences are a reflection of the fact that my view of God is pretty small, my independence is pretty big and we gotta whole lotta work to do on faith.

the Utmost today talked about obedience.  “Our Lord never insists on having authority over us.  He never says, “You will submit to me.” He leaves us perfectly free to choose–so free, n fact, that we can spit in His face or we can put Him to death … But once His life has been created in me through His redemption, I instantly recognize His right to absolute authority over me.  It is a complete and effective domination, in which I acknowledge that “You are worthy, O Lord …  The level of my growth in grace is revealed by the way I look at obedience.  We should have a much higher view of the word obedience …”

So, yea, that study about the attributes of God might be in order here.  And a little butt-kicking.

What are you thinking about and pondering in your season of life?  Any studies you feel like you need to do?

Worship

.Reading time 5 minutes.

This was my devotional Psalm tonight:

Psalm 95

Come, let us sing for joy to the LORD; let us shout aloud to the Rock of our salvation.  Let us come before him with thanksgiving and extol him with music and song.  For the LORD is the great God, the great King above all gods.  In his hand are the depths of the earth, and the mountain peaks belong to him.  The sea is his, for he made it, and his hands formed the dry land.


Come, let us bow down in worship, let us kneel before the LORD our Maker; for he is our God and we are the people of his pasture, the flock under his care.


Today, if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts as you did at Massah in the desert, where your fathers tested and tried me, though they had seen what I did.  For forty years I was angry with that generation; I said, ‘they are a people whose hearts go astray, and they have not known my ways.’  So I declared on oath, in my anger, ‘They shall never enter my rest.'”

Sometimes the Psalms perplex me.  Tonight, I dialed up YouTube to a couple of my newer favorite worship Songs – The Desert Song and Stronger – to sing to as I finished up the dishes.  I went from those songs and I rolled right into this Psalm. 
And, I felt like, yeah – sometimes it’s just time to bow down in worship and kneel before the LORD.  Sometimes it’s just time to sing and dance and make music in thanksgiving.
But, the Psalm ends with this wierd.  I dunno.  Threat?  Kindof downer verse.  God getting so mad at the Isrealites who were delivered from Egypt that He swore an oath they would not see the promised land.  It seemed weird.
But then, it struck me, the pivotal warning there in verse 7-8 “Today , if you hear his voice, do not harden your hearts …”  Part of the reason we worship is to help us truly see God for who He is:  the Creator, Ruler, Owner of the universe.  Our response to all this should be awe and reverence and joy.  We should be moved to move, in our own ways, to give credit and worship where it’s due:  unto Him.
And one of the purposes of this movement – singing, shouting, dancing to the LORD – this worship that flows from realizing just Who God is, should help build and bolster my faith.  So that, when I hear His voice and He’s asking something difficult, I will not harden my heart.  So that I will take the steps I need when He speaks.  Because, if I do harden my heart and continue to do so, He will have to declare things on oath in my life that will not be pleasant – I will leave him no choice.
My faith is not great.  There are so many things in my everyday life and actions that I’m sure show how paltry and American my faith in God is.  This Psalm has really encouraged me to (after my semi-charismatic youth) engage more in acts of worship, to attune my heart to the actions He might be setting before me.  I’m still too scared to ask the Lord to speak, for fear of what He might ask – just keepin’ it real.
Lord, give me grace.
So – how ’bout you?  What season of worship are you in, in your life right now?  Have you been able to step out in faith when the Lord speaks, or have you had a harder time acting on His prompting?
 

A Little Different

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All right. I need to get my act together, but since I’m doubtful that’s ever going to happen in a tangible way, I’m going to explain: I’ve written letters to the kids on their birthdays. I saved them on this blog meaning to do something with them, but haven’t. I need to, and I want them to be somewhere Jubilee and Noah can get ahold of them in case something ever happens to me. So, instead of continuing to save them where only I really know my password, I’ll publish them on the internet – where, admittedly, this blog is kindof a journal that only I read.

So, that’s what these next posts are, my letters to the kids on their birthdays.

This way, there will be at least two posts guaranteed every year here :).