Jubilee, you turned five this year.  Your actual birthday was about two weeks ago, and we celebrated your birthday even longer ago than that.  It’s not that I haven’t had a long enough time to think about this annual letter which I was going to write you — it’s that, I’m not sure what to say!

This year, you officially moved out of baby-hood.  Or, maybe I just realized it, if it happened before.  This year was the year I realized that I must stop talking about you when you were around as if you couldn’t hear and internalize what I was saying.

You were my fearless one.  Never cried as a baby when I left for work or left you in the nursery.  Would try anything.  And, I found myself saying, about this time last year, “next year we’re going to send her off to school by herself.  She’ll be out on her own!”  within your earshot.  Next thing I know, my fearless little one who couldn’t wait to start school by herself, was telling me she didn’t want to go to school.  And, this type of recognition of the unknown has continued in your life.  You were so keyed up at Christmas that you slept hours less than usual for at least a week before everything.  You had a line in our children’s Christmas program, you had a little dance recital in dance class, presents under the tree, and you were going to go see your cousins.  It was all too much.  On Christmas Eve I found myself, with a tearful Jubilee in the car, driving around town trying to find organic ear-drops because you were convinced you had an ear infection.  Poor baby!  Nothing was wrong but a serious lack of sleep and heightened nerves.

Not that you’re not courageous.  Many things scare you, but you do them, despite the feelings.  That’s true courage.  Understanding some of what might be at stake and saddling up anyway.

Earlier this year, Noah came down very ill.  This on the heels of Grandpa Otto passing away.  All of us wound up in the hospital’s Emergency Room with your brother, who had refused to walk all day long, had terrible blood-shot eyes and cracked, dry lips.  It was late for you kids (and you had been excited again, by your Aunts and Uncle coming to town) and we waited and waited for several hours before it became apparent that Noah was going to have to stay in the hospital.  Your love for your brother really showed that night and in the following day.  You cried and cried as we prayed for Noah and entrusted his health to the Lord.  You wanted to watch him at the hospital, too, to be there just in case.  And the next day, when Noah was still there in the hospital?  You were so sweet and well-behaved.  You snuggled with him in his bed, allowed him to choose some of the television stations to watch and just understood that he was a sick little buddy who needed special attention and care.  I was so proud of you and my heart was so grateful to the Lord for the love He has placed in your heart for your brother.

This year, your physical accomplishments continued as well.  I’m not sure there will be much in the athletic arena that you won’t conquer if you put your mind to it!  Your daddy spent one afternoon with you teaching you to ride your bike with no training wheels and you were off!  We purchased a scooter for your birthday and it wasn’t but half an hour before you were riding it like a pro!  So many fun childhood things await you, dear!

This year I’ve seen you LOVE going to church.  This is such a blessing to me.  And, I hear you speaking of Bible stories I’m pretty sure we haven’t read to you, learning some of the Lord’s truths.  I am so grateful that church is such a wonderful, fun place for you to go.

You have so many blessings in your life.  So many talents.  You are smart, creative, beautiful, determined … All the makings of someone to whom, ‘the world is their oyster.’  And, this year, I began to understand the importance of trying to teach you not only what proper outward behaviour is, but the beauty of proper and right inward behaviour.

Sometimes, the ugly sin that lives inside us all becomes apparent in you.  It scares me, that sin.  It scares me because I know that I have struggled with the same ugly sin myself.  It scares me because I don’t really know what’s going on inside of your heart.  And it scares me because some of the sin I see rearing its ugly head is sin of deceit and sneakiness.  Sometimes I’m pretty sure that all I’m getting is lip-service and outward obedience…And, it scares me to know that, ultimately, it is your decision what you will do with the sin that is bound up within your heart.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m being too hard on you … Sometimes I wonder if I’m letting you get away with too much.  Mostly, I pray for the Lord’s grace to cover my parenting so that I will not cause stumbling blocks to be put in your path or allow stumbling blocks that I see there, remain.  I know that my poor example has already caused problems for you, and I’m at a loss as to what to do, but pray.

And, I remind myself that God knows you.  He sees your inner self and made you — not only physically, but your inner heart with its strengths and weaknesses.  “O LORD, you have searched me, and you know me … You perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue, you know it completely, O LORD.  You hem me in — behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me…Where can I go from your Spirit?  Where can I flee from your prescence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there …. If I say, surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in  my mother’s womb…Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.”  Psalm 139 (excerpts).  “Sacrifice — but my ears you have opened— burnt offerings and sin offerings you did not require.”  Psalm 40:6.  “Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean; wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.”  Psalm 51:7.  “If you remain in me and my word remains in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you.  This is to my Father’s glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples.”  John 15:7-8

All we need to do, my girl, is humble ourselves and confess ourselves to Him.  He already knows it anyway, and He is ready and waiting to give you the grace of His forgiveness and invite you into full relationship with Himself.

I love you so much!!!!

xoxoxox

Momma

Oh, my baby, how can it be that you are turning four?  But, here we are, four years after you came into this world, blessed by the last four years and looking forward to the next year and the year after that, and the year after that…for many to come, Lord willing.

This year, from three to four, has been a lot easier in some ways and a lot harder in others.  You sleep so well these days, during the night.  You are quite a bit less impulsive.  You have also almost completely given up your nap-times for quiet playing.  Well, mostly quiet … I must admit, I will, most afternoons, just turn on the television so that you WILL BE quiet so I can get a few things done.

You continue to love your brother; however, now that your brother has a mind of his own as to what it is he wants to do, you also fight with your brother.  Good grief, the screaming and hollering that goes on some days.  But, play or fight, I pray that you both know what a treasure you have in each other and stick to each other, showing each other the way when one falters.

Speaking of playing, you love to play and have begun to use your imagination.  You enjoy playing a version of “house” with your dolls and kitchen toys.  Recently, you began playing on the stairs, putting numerous belongings into bags and setting everything up on multiple stairs “just so” before you began your journey.  I love these moments, where you are so involved with your games, talking to yourself and absolutely content in your own little world.

This year, too, you have begun to take delight in singing worship songs both at church and at home.  This blesses me, to hear you sing to the Lord.  I lost a trial earlier this year and the day after our defeat, I stayed home with you kids and went for a run.  As I was internally struggling with whether we, as a family, are walking a path which the Lord wants us to, with me working part-time and the guilt that accompanies leaving you guys for longer than usual, you spontaneously began to sing:  “forever God is faithful, forever God is true, forever God is with us, forever …”

You can be such an encouragement to your Mama, Jubilee.

We began memorizing Bible verses this year, putting your incredible memory to work.  It is so easy for you to remember these verses, word for word, when you put your mind to it.  You even recited Joshua 1:9 to Gabrielle when she was having a difficult day.  We were bursting with pride when you recited John 3:16 at Christmas for church–but, we were not so pleased that you tried to grab the microphone after you were done with your verse.

Which leads me to my next point …. This year, God has used you to show me how the sinful nature is truly bound up within the human heart; how it bubbles to the surface and must be washed away and tamed by the Almighty Father.  I fear for your little spirit, I fear for your attitude, and heart.  There are times that you are NOT sorry for what you’ve done.  Times you lie.  Times you hate.  Times you envy.  And I despair of how to discipline you so that you can truly understand your sin and repent.

Perhaps what I see is a reflection of things in myself that the Lord even now prunes.  I struggle with how to encourage your own personality and self but at the same time help you understand that you must submit to our authority, your dad’s and mine, because ultimately, you must submit and obey God’s authority over your life.  I sense within you, even at this age, a rebellion and subterfuge that scares me.

So, the Lord impressed on me recently, how we must do battle together against this sinful nature within you.  Your dad and I will guide you now, when you are young, but as you grow, it will be up to you to do such battle.  As you take up your weapons; however, victory will be assured, not because of your might or strength, but because the Lord fights for you:  “Hear, O Israel, today you are going into battle against your enemies.  Do not be fainthearted or afraid; do not be terrified or give way to panic before them.  For the LORD your God is the one who goes with you to fight for you against your enemies to give you victory.”  (Deuteronomy 20:3).

Yes, my daughter.  The LORD has given you victory but paradoxically, to attain it, you must first submit to Him.  Then, take up His call and will on your life.  Lay down your will to His plans,  so you may take hold of Him and pursue Him.  He is, and will be ever with you.  May you know Him all the days of your life.

I love you so much, my girl.

Happy birthday, Jubilee.

Momma
xoxoxo

Oh, my big girl, how can this be? You’re turning three. And, while I feel like three is too old for you, you also seem too old for three. A lot of this is because this is the year you really became a big sister. Oh, sure, you actually became a big sister last year, before you turned two, but you didn’t really understand about being a big sister until this year.

You’ve really grown into the role. The care and love you have for your brother is special. I remember, a few months after your second birthday, we had your doctor’s appointment. The only time available for the appointment was on a day I was working, so I went to work, and then came home for the appointment. We left Noah in Denise’s capable hands, and took off in the van, just the two of us. It had been about three months since it had just been the two of us girls, and as we were pulling out of our alley you exclaimed, “Hey! We fo-got Noah!”

There was also a time that you wanted to ride home with your dad from Paw Paw and Grampa Lee’s house. Your dad was pretty stoked, so he moved your carseat into the Land Cruiser. Noah and I drove home in the van. Ten minutes later, when I opened the door to the Land Cruiser, there was an upset Jubilee looking at me, eyes red and puffy, nose running. You had looked next to you, about two seconds out from Paw Paw and Grampa Lee’s house and said to your dad, “but, Noah usually sits next to me.” And you cried all the way home because you missed your brother.

This year’s not been all roses. Having a new baby is difficult for everyone involved. There were times all three of us — me, you and your brother — were crying. There was a lot of learning and growing up this year for you. You learned to use the bathroom this year, too, these are all big steps for a two-year-old.

You are developing such a grateful spirit, it makes your dad and I so proud. This morning, after you saw your new pink Mini-Mouse tricycle, you didn’t realize what it was: a birthday present from your dad and I. But, after the sleep finally cleared your little head, you ran to me and gave me a great big Jubilee hug and kiss and then ran to your dad and gave him a great big Jubilee hug and kiss. No prompting from us, it just sprang from you.

And when you get really excited because we’re going to do something fun, at any little thing, like “here’s your coat, Jubilee,” you say, “ohhhh, thanks!” Maybe this is why you love singing along to your kids’ worship CD on your “peroke” machine, gratefulness and praise belonging together.

I pray that this grateful heart continues. I pray that you are able to know the Father of Heavenly lights who gives all good and perfect gifts and be grateful in your heart to Him all the days of your life.

You definitely have your days when you’re cranky and up to mischief — even downright naughty. We’re working through this because we love you. Your dad and I know that our most important job in life, now that God has given us you and your brother, is to bring you up in a way that you are able to discern right from wrong. Discipline is a part of this process. I hope and pray that the discipline you receive — based on your dad and I’s best wisdom — will help you understand the Lord’s boundaries in your life.

As you grow, and as you are so precocious for your age, you are very soon — if you haven’t already — begun to learn that all people aren’t kind, feelings can be hurt and scarred by other’s words and actions, and that life can be very disappointing sometimes.

This is all happening too fast for me, and I’m at my wits end trying to figure out how to help you navigate these uncharted waters.

Part of this might be my own insecurities. How can I help you deal with rejection or bullying by other children when you are just excited and mean no harm when sometimes I still experience the same feelings? Can I keep from projecting my insecurities onto you and just let you be yourself? And on and on.

There is only one way. I’m praying that the Lord helps me and your dad to understand you and gives us wisdom. There have been a couple times already, when your feelings were hurt that I just wanted to shield you from any further experiences like that, but, I was reminded this week, while I was doing my devotions, that it is not I nor your dad who are your protectors, but the Lord. So, I’m going to end this long letter for your third birthday with Psalm 23:

The LORD is my shepherd, I shall not be in want. He makes me lie down in green pastures, he leads me beside quiet waters, he restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name’s sake. Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever.

I could write so much more about you this last year: How you help me remember all kinds of things; how you’ve begun to ask questions about God and Jesus; how much of a smarty-pants you are … I wish I could just bottle you up right here, right now, because I love you so much.

So, I’ll say it some more: your dad and I love you. We love you, love you, love you!

Love you!

Momma (and Daddy!)

Dear Jubilee:

Today you are two. I can’t believe it! Not because you’re not acting like you’re two, but because … where did the time go? And, how can you be acting like you’re two already?

I am so thankful to the Lord today, and everyday, for your little person in our family. You have brought such joy and zest to our lives, you are such a blessing.

This year you changed almost as much as you changed last year between your birthdays! This year you went from crawling and almost walking to running and jumping and climbing up on top of everything … “see dis! see dis! UpJubySee!” Last year you had a few words, this year you are speaking in sentences: “Dada take lunch” “Go Macadonalds lunch” “Momma sing wee” and so much more.

I wish I could capture every one of your sayings and mannerisms so we could show them to you when you’re older, and so that I can remember them when you’re a teen and driving me crazy!

This year, just like last year, and just like every year I am praying for you and your continued growth. Most importantly, I am praying that you will continue to love the Lord and as you grow in your adult understanding of life, that you will love to Lord and seek to follow him in all your ways.

I’m reading through a devotional this year and the Psalm for today’s date contains many promises and is my prayer for you on this birthday as you grow:

Psalm 34 (excerpts)

I will extol the LORD at all times; his praise will always be on my lips. My soul will boast in the LORD; let the afflicted hear and rejoice. Glorify the LORD with me; let us exalt his name together. – I pray that you will be able to praise the LORD no matter what happens in your life, that your attitude and vision will be on God during easy times, hard times and in-between times. I pray that you will praise the Lord with us, your family, and also surround yourself with friends who will praise the Lord with you. –

I sought the LORD, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears. Those who look to him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame. This poor man called, and the LORD heard him; he saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him, and he delivers them. – I pray that no matter what is going on, you will have confidence that the Lord will hear you and so you will call on the Lord for all your fears. –

Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him. Fear the LORD, you his saints, for those who fear him lack nothing …

Come my children, listen to me; I will teach you the fear of the LORD. Whoever of you loves life and desires to see many good days, keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies. Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.

The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous and his ears are attentive to their cry; the face of the LORD is against those who do evil, to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

A righteous man may have many troubles, but the LORD delivers him from them all … Evil will slay the wicked; the foes of the righteous will be condemned. The LORD redeems his servants; no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

Love you!

Mom

Yesterday was your first birthday. I cannot believe how much you have grown and changed. I spent some time yesterday scrolling through my blog – which has become a blog about you – to see pictures of how much you have changed. It’s truly amazing!

I told your Paw Paw that you really don’t look like the same baby, except when you cry. That mad screaming face today is exactly the same as it was the day you were born. Your dad and I talk about which one of us you look more like and while you have your dad’s coloring, we think you have my nose and chin … but you just look like yourself, and always have when you were mad.

Those first two or three months of your life were hard for everyone. I think they were hard for you, and they were certainly hard for your dad and I. You were a colicky baby, crying for maybe three hours every evening – starting about four or five and going until maybe eight – or sometimes longer. We couldn’t really do anything for you. All I could do was hold you. You seemed to like being on my shoulder with me doing deep knee bends. I joked that you were just trying to help me lose all the weight I gained when I was pregnant with you by screaming, “and … FEEL …. THE …. BURN!”

Your dad and I were also very sleep deprived. But those days passed. Now you are scooching and walking a little by yourself and bossing the dog around. Squealing with delight about every little discovery you make.

Now is when the real work for us, your parents, will start.

So far, you are a pretty fearless little girl. You love people, waiving to everyone at the store and church – whether they are looking at you or not. You love your dog – in fact, some days when I get home from work, you are more interested in seeing Missy than me!

I am already seeing signs that you are strong-willed. We tell you not to touch something and you continue to touch it, even though we attempt to distract you.

This is something that all three of us – your dad, me, and you – are going to have to work on, for a long time, I think.

You have been such a blessing to us, Jubilee. You have brought so much joy to our house. My prayer for you in this next year of life – and throughout your life – is that you continue to help others see the Lord with your presence. I pray that you would continue to grow in the Lord, that, as you came to us from the Lord, you would make choices to know Him and be obedient to Him as you grow physically. I pray that, as your dad and I really embark on this parenting journey, we would heed Him so to foster your spiritual growth above and beyond anything else we will impart to you.

The LORD bless you and keep you; the LORD make his face shine upon you and be gracious to you; the LORD turn his face toward you and give you peace.

Love you!